Episode featuring Raj
Host Introduction
Greetings. Welcome and thank you for tuning into our podcast, Stories of Secular Recovery from Addiction Through Narcotics Anonymous. I am Michael E, coordinator and producer of the podcast. Each episode in the podcast is a story of addiction recovery from a member of Narcotics Anonymous (NA) who became clean in a secular, non-religious way. For more information about secular NA, check out our website, secularna.org.
Our speaker for this episode is Raj. Raj summarized his addictions as using each of his drugs of choice "until the wheels fell off." Raj shares how he was finally able to get clean and concludes his story by touching briefly on each of the 12 steps of NA from a secular perspective.
Opening Remarks
I'm an addict. It's good to be here. This is going to be a little bit different, but whenever I do that, I'd like to start this meeting the way I start those meetings. And that's just to tell you that, as the literature says, this book is not the final word on recovery. And I'd like you to know that whatever I share is not the final word on recovery either. It's just my experience, hopefully my strength and my hope as well.
An old timer once told me to always share what it was like, what happened, and what it's like now. So I'm going to do that with a little secular twist at the end.
What It Was Like: Rock Bottom
I won't spend a lot of time on the "what it was like," because if you're in an NA meeting, you probably know what it's like out there using. I had a low bottom as an addict — I used until the wheels fell off. Towards the end of my using, I was homeless, in and out of jail, in and out of psych wards, on and off the streets. Every once in a while I'd get my life together enough to maybe get a place to stay for a couple months, but I would inevitably relapse and lose it all again.
I have picked up a couple bags and walked to the curb quite literally on multiple occasions, leaving everything I owned behind, having burned a bridge one too many times. I've spent rent money on pot more than once — and in the beginning, pot was my drug of choice. I ended up homeless repeatedly because I'd think I was going to buy a bunch of pot, sell it, make my money back, and it just never worked out that way.
I've done a lot of things in my addiction that I'm not proud of — stolen things, things I'm not even comfortable sharing in an NA meeting, things that are completely against my values. It was really rough for a long time.
Two Rock Bottoms: The First Time I Got Clean
I tell my story in two parts: the first time I got clean and the last time I got clean. Both are really important to me. I've heard someone say they had two rock bottoms, and that describes my story.
My first rock bottom involved an incident with a knife and my brother-in-law. I almost took his life. Luckily, no one was hurt — everyone walked away without a scratch. But it was a serious wake-up call. I was charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and put on probation.
That whole situation introduced me to NA. While in jail in Albuquerque, I participated in a treatment program that included NA meetings. One Sunday, someone came in to share their story — much like what I'm doing now. I couldn't focus for most of it; I was so in my head, laughing hysterically one moment, crying the next. But right at the end, I tuned in and heard: "If you quit using and you pray, all of your dreams will come true."
I didn't believe the praying part — and I still don't. But I did believe the dream part. If I quit using, my dreams could come true. And at that moment, I decided I wanted to be clean. My first couple of months at NA, I really just used the meetings to practice listening — to be present and in the moment. And if you listen in an NA meeting, you just might hear the message. That's what happened to me.
Relapse: Pot, Alcohol, and Cocaine
The first time I got clean, I managed around six or seven months. I drank once, got another six or seven months, then relapsed on what was my drug of choice at the time — pot. After my treatment program in jail, I went to rehab for six months. I got a job as a caregiver, taking care of people with Alzheimer's and dementia. I really loved that job. But I relapsed.
I started smoking pot, getting high at work, and eventually stealing painkillers from the patients I cared for — pocketing pills meant for the elderly so I could "take the edge off" until I could get home to smoke. If that wasn't a sign I was an addict — not just a pothead — I don't know what was. I always thought I was better than, different from a heroin addict or an alcoholic. I played the "this isn't my drug of choice" game for a long time.
I went back to college and discovered alcohol. My roommate figured since my issue was pot, I could drink responsibly. And I really did — for one day. Within a week I'd filled a trash bag with empty containers. I scared myself and slowed down. But a year later I was drinking a few times a week, and a year after that, almost every day.
Then I discovered cocaine. I went in hard for about six weeks — only used it a handful of times, but spent a huge amount of money each time. My last time using cocaine, I overdosed. I used too much too fast, couldn't walk, couldn't breathe. It felt like my central nervous system forgot how to breathe and I had to consciously force myself to do it. That scared me to my core. That was what stopped me in my tracks.
Getting Clean for Good: February 26, 2021
I reached out for help and got myself into an IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program). One week later, I drank once, thinking I needed to get back to my "normal routine" — but the alcohol made me crave cocaine. I knew I needed to stop completely or I was going to end up homeless or dead. That drink was my last time using.
That was February 26, 2021. As of February 28, 2025, I had been clean for four years and two days.
I like to put it simply: I used pot until I was homeless. I drank until I had liver damage. And I used cocaine until I overdosed. Whatever I did, I used until the wheels fell off. And I was really an addict.
If you're new and struggling — don't do what I did, which was get back up and try again without changing anything. Change something. Try something different. For me, that meant IOP combined with NA meetings. When I graduated IOP, I started taking all the suggestions: I got a sponsor, listened to speaker tapes while exercising, and went to multiple meetings a day. This was at the height of COVID, so I jumped online and hit meetings in Socorro, New Mexico. My recovery really took off for about 18 months. I usually went to two meetings a day.
What It's Like Now
Life is really better than my wildest dreams. I got two degrees in recovery. I graduated with a degree in biology while clean, then got a master's degree in health data analytics — also clean. And it's really important to me that I was clean, because for an addict like me, a high-paying job without that foundation would have been a death sentence.
I met a partner and prioritized that relationship. We're now engaged and have a four-month-old daughter. With a little luck and a lot of work, she will never see me use.
Today I have self-acceptance and self-respect. I can look in the mirror and actually like who I am. I'm not depressed. I've been genuinely happy most of the time since I quit using. Kicking the drugs made 90% of my problems disappear. Today I have Cadillac problems — and that's a beautiful thing.
The 12 Steps from a Secular Perspective
I'd like to spend the rest of my time going over each of the steps and how I view them from a secular perspective.
Step 1: Admitting Powerlessness
"We admitted we were powerless over our addiction — that our lives had become unmanageable." This is kind of a secular step already. You surrender to win. As the literature says, as long as we think we can control our addiction, the addiction controls us.
Step 2: Coming to Believe in a Greater Power
"We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." For me, this just means a restoration to sanity with the help of something outside ourselves — not necessarily a god. I look at it mathematically: I am finite. Anything outside of me is greater than me. And it can help me if I let it — if I'm accepting, open-minded, and willing to take suggestion.
Step 3: Turning Things Over
"We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him." To me, this just means turning things over to anything other than myself when they're outside of my control — cleaning up my side of the street, doing my part, and leaving the rest alone. Step 3 is about understanding what I control and what I don't.
Step 4: Taking a Personal Inventory
"We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." This step is fairly secular already. Just remember to include your assets alongside your shortcomings. Don't forget the assets.
Step 5: Admitting the Nature of Our Wrongs
"We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs." Just take the God part out if you don't believe. Admit it to yourself and to another human being. Some say the opposite of addiction is connection — and there's a lot in Step 5 about connecting to another person.
Step 6: Becoming Ready to Change
"We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character." To me, this means becoming willing to change. It starts with acceptance — admitting that there's a problem is the first step to change.
Step 7: Doing the Footwork
"We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings." Step 6 is about becoming willing to change — Step 7 is about actually doing the footwork to change.
Step 8: Making a List of Those We've Harmed
"We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all." This is another fairly secular step. It's important to take accountability for our part in things, while also recognizing that sometimes we feel guilty over things that were not our fault. Focus on your side of the street.
Step 9: Making Direct Amends
"We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." This is a tricky step because the second part can be used to justify avoiding accountability — for example, telling yourself you "can't" make amends to protect someone else when really you're protecting yourself. The key is: make the amends, and then don't continue the harmful behavior.
Step 10: Continuing Personal Inventory
"We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it." This is one of my favorite steps. A psychiatrist once told me that people who do a daily inventory tend to be happier than those who don't. Step 10 has scientific backing — that's pretty cool.
Step 11: Meditation and Conscious Contact
"We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him." The literature says that meditation is the only way to work this step if we don't pray. I meditate every day — mostly mindfulness or vipassana meditation. For me, it's all about becoming more present and aware of my surroundings, my body, and my mind.
Step 12: Spiritual Awakening and Service
"Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to addicts and to practice these principles in all our affairs." There's an appendix in the AA book about spiritual awakening worth reading. It says that sometimes it's not a sudden psychic change — it's a slow and steady educational process of changing who we are, very gradually.
Closing Remarks from Raj
I hope you got something out of that. I'm really grateful I was asked to share. If you're new — don't give up. Keep coming back. There is hope.
Host Closing
A big thank you to Raj for his willingness to share deeply and honestly, and to offer hope that even if we've relapsed multiple times, we can change things and gain recovery.
For more information on recovery from addiction through Narcotics Anonymous from a secular, non-religious perspective, please visit secularna.org. This is Michael E for the Stories of Secular Recovery from Addiction through Narcotics Anonymous podcast. Stay clean, one day at a time.
