Stories of Secular Recovery from Addiction
Through Narcotics Anonymous | Episode: Kiki |
Kiki Los Angeles, CA | 41+ Years Clean
Hi, I'm Kiki. I'm an addict, and I'm from Los Angeles. I'm glad to be here today, and thank you for asking me to come and share. I've been clean over 41 years in Narcotics Anonymous. I got clean in Los Angeles back in September of 1983. And I'm really glad that there's a group like this — that I have found Secular NA.
Being clean and going to meetings in Los Angeles probably made it a little bit easier for me, since there's a big assortment of beliefs and religions and people that come to meetings here. But having said that, it hasn't always been easy for me to feel like I fit in.
I went to my first meeting on Christmas night of 1980 at a place called the Survivors Club. I needed Narcotics Anonymous, but I didn't exactly hear a message of recovery. What I heard was somebody talking about Jesus. The friend who took me there — she was on a court card — showed me the steps in writing, and all I could see was the word "God." So I didn't go back.
I really think it's important for people like me to share about this specific journey, because I know in my heart that there are so many addicts who are not getting recovery in NA because of a perceived message — a feeling that maybe this is a religious place, or that you have to believe in a certain way, or that God is a requirement. And I want people to know that it isn't. It isn't a requirement. We are each entitled to our own beliefs and our own journey, whether that includes God or not.
To me, I don't equate something called God with spirituality. That's just not who I am or what I believe. I have felt at times pressure to conform, and I'm hoping people don't have to feel that way. I don't think they do. The whole belief system of religion could be great for some people — it isn't for me, and it isn't what has worked for me.
I'm going to go back a little bit to when I was newer. I've heard people share that they didn't feel like they fit in, for various reasons — maybe the drug they used, or where they came from, or things they experienced. For me, I came in as an IV drug user. I definitely qualified. But I came in having a job, a place to live, and a car. I didn't come from prison or a long-term rehab. I wasn't on parole or probation. That made me different when I came in.
As addicts — and I can speak for myself here — I felt like I didn't fit into the world at large. My drug use was hidden a lot of the time. I could only share it with people I was using with. In the meantime, I tried to maintain, to pay bills and to work. It was kind of a joke. I don't know why I didn't get fired, but that's a story for another time.
I knew that I needed Narcotics Anonymous. After that first meeting, I stayed away from NA for a good two and a half years. The reason I came back is because I had a therapist who forced me to. I was in a psychiatric unit — I had refused to go to a rehab or a detox, so that was the choice I made. When I started going to meetings in that facility, I heard something different. I didn't hear God. I saw people that were staying clean, supporting each other. I felt a lot of hope.
I had tried a lot of things to stay clean and nothing worked. Maybe I wasn't willing enough, but I knew that my drug addiction was bigger than I was and I could not control it no matter what I personally did. And here I saw people that were staying clean and helping each other. I thought I would give it a try.
So the first thing I did was read whatever literature was out. At the time, there was the little white book, some informational pamphlets, and the Basic Text had just come out — that's the blue book we have in Narcotics Anonymous. The first book I actually read was the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, because that's what they gave me in the psych unit, and it was a revelation. But I never felt like AA was the place for me because I know I'm an addict — anything can be a problem for me. I used a variety of drugs, and I knew it was not the particular substance that was the problem. I had difficulty just living life and coping with myself.
I did everything I could to cut off my feelings and just try to get through any given day. I didn't hear those kinds of stories in AA — they seemed like social people, and I couldn't relate to the language either. I found Narcotics Anonymous to be much more inclusive, less sexist, more up-to-date, and it talked about addiction, which was what I related to and knew I needed help with.
When I was finally willing to go to meetings and sit and listen, change happened in my life pretty quickly. I did everything I could not to use on a daily basis — going to meetings, reading literature. I became of service to various groups and committees early on in my recovery, and I needed that a lot. Part of it was to be accepted as part of the group; part of it was to keep me busy. The job I had right after I got clean, I got laid off — and it was really a blessing because it meant I could go to a lot of meetings and devote my time to recovery.
I found it very hard to get a sponsor because I didn't know how to trust another person or how to express myself. I've had a lot of problems trusting people, but that's gotten better as the years have gone by.
Early on, I heard a lot of talk about a higher power, and there were some people who insisted you have to get down on your knees and pray. I really objected to that — not because I don't think it's a good thing for some people, but I was raised as a secular Jew. I was raised by atheists. This is what I know. I feel like I'm an educated, somewhat intellectual person, and I've done a lot of thinking about the subject.
Early on, I tried to do those things. I really thought I could believe — that I could change myself to conform to what people were telling me. It seemed to work for them, so it should work for me, right? After a long time of doing that, I realized it was not working for me. Having read the literature, I understood that I'm entitled to my own beliefs and my own path.
Once I started reclaiming my own beliefs — which seemed to be different from a lot of people's — it felt awkward. I wasn't always comfortable expressing that in meetings. But as time has gone on, I feel it's almost my duty to do that. Because I know a lot of people share my beliefs, and I want to normalize that. I think we practice the purest form of Narcotics Anonymous by really showing that all kinds of people recover.
Since the pandemic, I've been in all kinds of Zoom meetings around the world with all kinds of belief and non-belief, and I don't see that we're so unique in the United States in being part of what feels like a Christian nation. I know that addicts in a lot of places feel very uncomfortable in meetings. I've even gotten pushback when I've expressed my beliefs and the way I work my recovery — which is amazing to me.
What I explain is that I believe a lot of addicts die because they perceive this program as being religious, like a cult or a sect. They hear that word "God," like I did, and they never come back. This drives people away, and it doesn't need to. So as I've gotten more time clean, I feel it's my responsibility to talk about these things.
I have sponsees, and I've expressed to them that I'm an atheist. At first they're shocked — really? — and then they think about it and come back to me and say, "Yeah, I don't believe in God either." It's like once they're given the choice and are free to express themselves, they start understanding that it is an option.
With the time I have left, I want to briefly talk about my spiritual beliefs and how I've worked the steps. I did understand that addiction was definitely a power greater than myself. Years ago, I had a friend who expressed addiction as her "lower power," which I really liked. I understand that it does take something greater than myself to help me recover. But I believe that to be the steps, Narcotics Anonymous, the people in NA, the meetings — the recovery that we share together to strengthen each other and help us through the most trying times in life.
I did believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity because I saw it around me in other recovering addicts. For me, that belief was that Narcotics Anonymous and following this program was what was going to — well, I'm not sure I was ever sane — but bring me to sanity. And it has.
The third step is always the big one, you know, where it actually mentions God. I was one of the people back in the 80s who voted to take God out of the steps. If Narcotics Anonymous is really going to follow its own words in the Basic Text — that we are entitled to our own higher power, whatever that is — then why are we telling people it should be God? That didn't make sense to me and it still doesn't. It's unfortunate that we have to substitute our own word for God in the steps, but there it is. I do that, and I've had no trouble doing it.
I believe the steps, the meetings, and the people have helped me find a spiritual path — which to me means looking at my character defects, understanding that I'm an imperfect person with flaws that I sometimes act out on, wanting to be a better person, and wanting to stay clean every single day. I want to keep recovering, improving my life, and giving back to others.
I have found that in a loving place. I don't refer to that as God. I just see that we are capable of great love as human beings — love that we have to give to each other, to help each other heal from this deadly disease that kills people regularly. If we don't get help, if we don't find a way to recover, it will kill us. I still find my recovery to be the most important thing I possess today, because without it, I don't think I would have had any sort of decent life.
That's where my spirituality lies — in trying to be a better person and contribute something positive to the world and to other people's lives. I'm not always successful at that, but this is recovery to me. Being of service is very spiritual. I'm normally a selfish addict who only cares about myself and doesn't want to spend the time or effort, but I've learned that in doing it, I'm rewarded with feeling good about life, with getting peace and serenity.
I've been able to look back and finally face the things I've done through inventory. I look at my character defects. I've spent time learning and doing meditation, which has been really helpful. I feel like I get in touch with the world as a whole.
I know I'm running out of time, so I'll just end by saying: I hope you've gotten something out of my share. If you're new, please stick around — it's a wonderful life that we have here. Thank you for letting me share today. I'd be interested in hearing what all of you have to share. Thank you.
