EPISODE 10: PAULETTE

In this episode, we hear from Paulette. Paulette reflects on 29 years of secular recovery, describing how she found her higher power in the fellowship of NA itself, adapted the 12 Steps to her own values, and built a meaningful, authentic life — earning her bachelor's degree at 60 — without ever believing in a supernatural god.

This share was recorded at the  September 2025 New Mexico NA Convention where PAULETTE presented on the topic “Our Need and Capacity for Spiritual Growth is Infinite.”

For more information on recovery from addiction through Narcotics Anonymous 12 step program from a secular, non-religious approach, please check out secularna.org

**  This podcast is not formally affiliated in any way with Narcotics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous World Services. **

Comments are welcome. Email to: secularna@gmail.com

Transcript

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Michael: Greetings. Welcome and thank you for tuning into our podcast, Stories of Secular Recovery from Addiction Through Narcotics Anonymous. I am Michael E, coordinator and producer of the podcast. Each episode in the podcast is a story of addiction recovery from a member of Narcotics Anonymous, NA, who became clean in a secular, non-religious way. For more information about secular NA, check out our website, secularna.org. In this episode, we hear from Paulette. Paulette reflects on 29 years of secular recovery, describing how she found her higher power in the fellowship of NA itself, adapted the 12 steps to her own values, and built a meaningful, authentic life, earning her bachelor's degree at 60 years of age without ever believing in a supernatural God. This chair was recorded at the September 2025 New Mexico NA Convention, where Paulette presented on the topic Our Need and Capacity for Spiritual Growth is Infinite. With her permission, of course, we offer Paulette's convention chair here.

Speaker 01: Now we have our next speaker. I would like to introduce Paulette C from La Kimba, California.

Paulette: Hi everybody, I'm Paulette. I'm an addict. And I just want to get this out of the way. I'm kind of nervous. And uh that always helps me not be nervous. So um, so my experience strength and hope. Uh I was born into a family that was not religious at all. Um, we we started out in Europe, we had support, it was this intact family, and everything was really great. And then when I was 12 years old, my dad started drinking, and coincidentally or not, uh, I was 12 and I started smoking cigarettes. And I I count nicotine as my first drug because it was really hard to stop. It was one of the harder ones to stop. So I count that as my first drug. And um it turns out my drug of choice was anything that would intoxicate me, anything that would change change my mood, mind altering anything. Um, and I was a bottomless pit. I would take yours, I would sell yours, I would steal your drugs and help you look for them. I would do all those things that we do when we're out there. Um, I made a lot of dangerous choices. I chose dangerous people, places, and things. I learned, um, and because I was hanging out with all these dangerous people, because I didn't grow up with danger and things like that. Um a couple of times when I asserted myself and I drew attention to myself, I was given a what for, a violent what for, and I learned how to be small. I learned how to not bring attention to myself, I learned how to go along to get along, and I became very quiet. And I just I did whatever it took to get drugs and alcohol. Um, and and more about that later. Um, so by the time I was 37, like I had accumulated it, stacked up all these traumas, all these um pains and hurts, and and and it was you know it was way up there. And I understand now part of the reason it was hard to get clean because I didn't have any skills dealing with those traumas. Um and the doors were slamming in my face. My family didn't want to be around me, nobody wanted to be around with me. I had hep C and I was just a mess. And I went into a treatment and an H uh N A H and I panel came in there and they started talking about being clean. And they looked and they sounded just like me. And I thought, and I didn't believe them, of course, um, like nobody could be clean for 30 days by choice. I just didn't think it was possible. Um, but I believed them at some level. I believed them, and I had this little tiny bit of hope that maybe I had something coming to me other than pain and suffering. Um, because I had been using for 24 years at that point, almost every day, and in the last 10 years, every day. Um so I went to my first meeting, got my first book, and at this meeting, I expressed my doubts about God and having a higher power. And this guy, and I I wish I would remember his name, but I don't. He was pointing his finger at me and he was yelling at me, and he was, you know, just spit flying everywhere, just telling me, if you don't find God, you're going to die. And I believed him. So I went searching for God. I went searching for this thing that people I found people found so much comfort in. People embraced this idea, and I went searching and searching. I was confirmed and baptized. I joined the choir of the local church. Um, and I was doing all these actions, but I was not feeling it in my heart. Um, you know, I like I was saying, I know many, many people who find great comfort in their higher power, in the God of their understanding, and I respect that. I really do. And I think we need to do, I needed to do whatever it was so I could stay in narcotics anonymous and I didn't need drugs to be okay. Um, so in that that that process of um being small, of doing what other people were doing, not having my own ideas, not drawing attention to myself, um, I had been giving myself away to other people, to to jobs, to to school, to my family, to especially in romantic relationships. Like I didn't take up any space. It was like I didn't deserve anything. The credit went to other people. And so this was huge in me, and I found it very difficult to give credit for my my hard work in recovery to something that I had yet to feel, touch, or experience. Um, so the beautiful thing about NA is one one of the beautiful things about NA is our literature. And in every read in every reading that we read, that you're welcome in our group um with religion or lack of religion. And I had been for about, oh God, I don't know, maybe five years or so in recovery. Um, and my clean date is is September 17th, 1996. I just I just had my 29th birthday. Um the thing, the one of the beautiful things about NA and our literature is this lack of religion. Like all I'm required to believe is that recovery is possible, and that that our fellowship is a big tent, and there's room for everybody here, even if you use the word sober, even if you got clean in the other fellowship, you know, all that stuff. We have a big tent. And one of another, you know, I love so many things about it, and A, but another one is we are inclusive, and we don't care where you came from, how much you have, how much or how little you have, what you've done in the past, but only in what you want to do about your problem and how we can help. So, um, so what I've had to do is find a power greater than myself that's gonna work for me. I've had to, you know, and it it's not difficult anymore, but the process of finding that because like I have this desire to fit in, like I felt kind of embarrassed that I didn't have this white light moment that people had talked about, or this spiritual awakening that people had talked about. I didn't have that, and I was thinking, what the locked across here? I don't even know what the what's wrong with me, what's wrong with me? And so I was looking, I was looking, I was looking, and like I did that whole um of confirmed and baptized thing, and I just felt like a fraud. I felt like I was lying, I felt like I wasn't being my authentic self. I never talked about my lack of belief in a in a in a supernatural being. I I never talked about that. I wanted to fit in, and I still had that tendency to be small. Don't stand out, don't draw attention to yourself. So I did that for a long time. Luckily for me, my first sponsor, um it turns out we had similar views on this, and she was she was secular, I was secular, and I don't remember ever talking about it, but we worked steps together, and there wasn't this push to believe in something that I couldn't see, feel, or touch. Um but I but I did work the steps to the best of my ability, and I so what I've so what I've tried to do is um think of what I can call God, what what can I do, what can I do with that and have it be meaningful to me. And so what I've done is G-O-D, group of drug addicts, like you are my higher power. The fellowship is what sustains me. When I'm in trouble and I reach out to you, I have never had someone turn me away or ridicule me or make me feel small because I was having I was having an issue, I was having a struggle. You have always come through for me, and and I'm deeply, deeply grateful for that. Um so the only thing that I'm required to have faith in is the program and I and the ethical principles that come along with this this program. Many people call them spiritual principles, the honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. I've had to adapt my language to fit my nervous system. So I call them ethical principles, but they're the same thing. They're the things that guide my behavior, they're the things that that make me make my life work living. They've made me a good citizen, a good partner, a good, a good, a good ex-drug addict, a good um, a good employee. Um I give back to my community and I give back to my fellowship. Um so what's the other thing I want to talk about? Um, I do believe, or the only thing that I need to believe in and have faith in is that recovery is possible. It's possible for me, it's possible for you, it's possible for anybody. And so, what have I I've had to do is adapt the 12 steps because I'm I'm a step worker. I've worked the steps in NA, I can't even count how many times now, but I've also worked the steps in other programs because it turns out I have other issues, you know. Go figure. I have other issues, like I'm I'm codependent. I I I have a food issue a lot of the time, like and and especially my codependency, I I give myself away. Like your opinion's better than mine. I I have this tendency to be small, and codependency is fine, is defined as being other focused. Like I can be very other focused, and I get lost in that equation, and I like I barely exist, and I'm a lot better at it than I used to be because I've I've had 29 years to practice this. I practice on my family, I practice on my fellow addicts, I I practice at work, I practice at school, I practice, and I'm a lot better at it, but my default is still people pleasing, and so I'm that's my work in progress that I'm working with. So, like I said, I'm a step worker. I believe that the solution to all my problems is in the steps, and the steps are a beautiful way of unraveling my the complicated mess that I've made of whatever it is that's going on. So, step one, I admit that I'm powerless over my addiction. So, what does that look like? Write it down, make give me examples of the unmanageability. Sometimes now it's of situations. Before it was like my whole life was an unmanageable mess. Now it's compartmentalized messes. Um, so what is that? Write it down, be as honest as you can, tell somebody. Step two for me has become ask for help. Step three has become accept that help without reservation. Step four, you can't you can't really get any better than this one. The only problem I have with step four is the word moral. I'm not immoral. I was never immoral, I was never defective. I don't like that word, but I get what we're trying to do. You know, a lot of there's a lot of talk about we have a disease, not a moral failing. So, so that word being in the fourth step makes me, it's a little OCD and it just makes me a little crazy. So I it's for me, it's not a moral inventory because I am a moral person. But all the things, all the shit I don't am I let to cuss? Um all the shitty things that I've done to other people, write them down. I gotta write them down, you know, and I get to write down all the shitty things that were done to me, but that that comes later. So I write all that stuff down. I'm as honest as I can. I look, I identify my part in that. Like, what is the character defect? Don't like that word either. What is the unskillful behavior that I'm exhibiting? What am I doing that's creating my own problems in my step four? Then I tell somebody in my step five, step six and seven digs into those unskillful behaviors, and but I'm going to identify them. What are they? What so I have a fear of making a mistake. I have a fear of being taken advantage of, I have a fear of not having enough. And those are my dominant ones right now, before that list was a lot longer. Um uh that's then in step eight, and was that where I am? Yeah, six and seven. Then in step eight, I make a list. Who was I who did I harm? Usually it's in the situation now before it was like, you know, everybody I came in contact with. Um, who did I harm? Write it down, be as honest as I can. Number nine, I'm gonna try to make that right. And even if I'm embarrassed, even if I don't want to, um those sometimes I can put those on holds, hold, but I think the the ones that I don't want to are probably the most important ones to make. So I make amends to the people that I've harmed. Step 10, I do a daily thing. And I when I blow it, when I make a mistake, I tell you about it. And I gotta tell you, people who are new, that gets easier and easier and easier. I don't lose faith, face, faith. I don't lose face. I don't, I don't feel humiliated when I make a mistake, when I do the very human thing of making a mistake. And I come clean right away because, well, personally, I don't want us another fourth step that's that that's huge. I don't want that. So I don't let things stack up like they used to do. So step 11, I stay connected to my source, my group of drug addicts. And in step 12, I carry the message to the addict that still suffers. Sometimes that's in HI, sometimes that's in my family, sometimes that's the guy next door or the homeless person over there. Sometimes it's just being a volunteer, and it's it's carrying the message and being a good example of what is recovery. What is a person in NA? What does a successful person in NA look like? I hope it looks like me because I really do my best to be a good person, and that is its own reward. I don't need eternal life, I don't need any sort of, I don't even need recognition for that because my own approval of my behavior is enough for me now. You know, I God, I spent so many years wanting you to like me, wanting you to approve of me, trying to be what I thought you wanted, and that’s exhausting. Being my authentic self with my creative higher power needs is me, is more me. I can be more myself than I've ever been in my life. And and NA taught me that. And you let me make mistakes, you let me practice on you and totally blow it. And you let me do all these things, you let me find my way in a way that works for me so it can be meaningful. Um, I've gotten really comfortable with my version of power greater than myself because a bunch of you are absolutely have more power than I do by myself. Um, so my spirituality is basically my human essence. It's the thing, you know, some people call it a soul. Um, it's the thing that makes me me, it's the thing that makes me unique, it's the thing that makes me Paulette, and and that that's okay with me today. Um, thank you. Oh, good. Oh, good running out of stuff. Um, so the last thing that I want to share is my okay, so let me back up a little, just a tiny bit of history. I come from a family of educators. This high school dropout, uh a family of educators. My my parents were both teachers, my grandparents were deans, I have an uncle that won a Nobel Prize. I got all this smartness in my family, dropped out of high school. So I went back to school in 1992 when I couldn't find any of the drugs that would make you study all night, and and dropped out when I found them because it turns out that doesn't work. Um, so I wanted to go back to school after I got clean. So I went back in 92, dropped out in 93. I don't remember what year it is, but I'm 66 years old. This was when I was 59. I wanted to go back to school, and I was so afraid. I wanted to get my degree. I'd got my GED. Um, I wanted to get my degree, and you know the thing that was scaring me was I was afraid I wouldn't be able to find a place to park. That kept me from enrolling in my school UCI in California for years, for a couple of years. So I started sharing about it in a meeting that I was afraid that I wouldn't find a place to park, even though I was kind of embarrassed the first time. And so many people came up to me, or a couple people came up to me, but one woman said, Let's go ride our bikes around the campus. So we rode our bikes around the campus. I found the places to park, and and I enrolled, and I graduated with my bachelor's degree when I was 60 years old. So my message is it's never too late. It's never too late. Don't wait till you're 60. But if you do, it's never too late. Like being in recovery has has taught me self-discipline. I was a really good student, I was a really good studier. You know, I I I showed up, I did all the assignments, I got A's. Recovery showed me how to show up. It also got me over my peer, my fear of public speaking, which which I'm very grateful for because I had to do presentations and I could do that in a group of my peers, me, the low-bottom drug addict, and I was their equal. And that was awesome. So I'm gonna keep coming back. Thank you.

Michael: Paulette, I think we all agree when you say, quote, it's never too late. Don't wait till you're 60, but if you do, it's still never too late. It's also comforting to hear you say that being in recovery taught you self-discipline and that your own approval of your own behavior is enough for you now. Lastly, recovery and a, quote, showed you how to show up. What a great way to describe it. NA showed me how to show up. Thank you, Paulette, for your words of wisdom and encouragement. 

A reminder to everyone for more information on recovery from addiction to the Narcotics Anonymous 12 step program from a secular, non-religious approach. Please check out our website, secularna.org. That's S-E-C-U-L-A-R-N-A.org. This is Michael E for the stories of secular recovery from addiction through Narcotics Anonymous podcast. One speaker at a time.