EPISODE (11) 2025-03-22 BOB O

In this episode, we hear from Bob O.  Bob reflects on how he talked himself into addiction by romanticizing self-destruction. Bob reminds us that addiction doesn't always take root in trauma or involve a dramatic backstory.  Through choosing recovery and relying on Secular NA, Bob has built a quieter, more honest and fulfilling life.

For more information on recovery from addition through Narcotics Anonymous 12 step program from a secular, non-religious approach, please check out secularna.org

**  This podcast is not formally affiliated in any way with Narcotics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous World Services. **

Comments are welcome. Email to: secularna@gmail.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:13

Greetings! Welcome and thank you for tuning into our podcast, Stories of Secular Recovery from Addiction Through Narcotics Anonymous. I am Michael E, coordinator and producer of the podcast. Each episode in the podcast is a story of addiction recovery from a member of Narcotics Anonymous, NA, who became clean in a secular, non-religious way. For more information about secular NA, check out our website, secularna.org. In this episode, we hear from Bob O. Bob reflects on how he talked himself into addiction by romanticizing self-destruction. Through choosing recovery and relying on secular NA, Bob has built a quieter, more honest, and more fulfilling life. Please join me as we listen to Bob O.

SPEAKER_01 1:15

I'm Bob and I'm an addict. Good to see everybody. Um yeah, so I mean, about five minutes ago, Chris uh text messaged me and said, Hey, uh, are you still coming to the meeting? You're gonna be the speaker. And I said, Oh, yeah. Um, so yeah, totally spaced on it. I've actually been um I was back uh in my hometown uh last weekend uh visiting family and stuff, and um it just feels like everything this week was incredibly rushed. And so um just another thing. And by the way, that's actually that's that's one of the things that um, you know, I really just don't like looking disorganized in front of other people. It really, really gets to me. Um, and and you know, I think that was back back in the days, you know, in my active addiction, you know, some something like this would really have just eaten me up. You know, I would really be thinking about it and like, oh God, you know, like I I almost missed it and everybody knows, and it looks like I'm such a jerk or whatever. And um, you know, I can't, I can't say I I I never feel anything like that now, but um, it's a lot, it's a lot easier now, you know. Um I think uh in you know in the past it would have just been another thing that I would have to use over. And um, you know, now I can I can I can have things happen that don't necessarily feel great and it can still be okay. So um so yeah, good good lesson in my disorganization. Um so so yeah, I so obviously I have I've I have no nothing planned. I have no idea what I'm going to talk about today, but I'm going to tell my story and um do uh do what we always do at these at these sort of things. Um so uh so I once I once did a similar um, it wasn't NA, it was for another group, but um I did a similar kind of thing where I kind of told my story and stuff. And you know, I I talked a little bit about kind of like the the ideology of my addiction or whatever. And um afterwards one of the one of the women who was listening said, wow, that's really interesting because you know what from what you told us, you really had no real reason to become an addict. You just kind of fell into the hedonism of it all. And I thought, I thought, wow, that's I mean, I was I was a little bit taken aback, but from if when I thought about you know what I had said as part of my story, I was like, yeah, that really, you know, that that is kind of true, right? Like I I don't come from a background of like intense personal trauma or you know, some of the things that you hear in in these meetings that um that you know sometimes you hear someone speak and you're like, God, you know, I I totally understand why that person became addicted to drugs, right? And and that's not really my story. Um, I think uh, you know, I I I had there are things about my childhood that were difficult and stuff, and um, you know, I've always uh struggled with some, you know, anxiety and things like that, but it really wasn't, you know, to the extent that you sometimes hear. And um, you know, I often think about that, you know, like what was it really that pushed me over? And I I think in certain ways, like, you know, it was really just um I just happened to get the wrong idea about things in some ways, you know. I think for me, um, you know, I I kind of had this, I I know I had this tendency to um, you know, use compulsive behaviors to kind of um uh uh uh run from emotions or you know, hide from things that I I didn't want to feel. And um I found a great excuse for it in the kind of um the kind of uh the way that addiction is kind of glorified in society. You know, it's like that's what artistic people do, that's what creative people and intelligent people do. You know, they become, they be, they they go to rock bottom. And then they have this redemption story where they get into recovery and and uh and it all works out, which I I guess um was true in my case, but uh maybe not everything worked out, but um, but it it it it did change. And so so, you know, uh when I was younger, when I was, you know, in my late teens and early 20s, and I was going to college and stuff, you know, I really it almost was like the story was already written, you know. I I I feel like um, you know, it was almost like I wanted to become a drug addict. You know, I kind of like looked up to all these guys like William Burroughs and you know, some of the the authors and musicians and stuff who, you know, always get kind of glorified. Uh and and they get glorified not only because of their you know creative power, but also because of their because of how fucked up they were, you know. I think we have this tendency uh in our society to um to look at extremes of behavior and kind of um think they're cool, you know. Um, and I mean they are definitely interesting, but um, but yeah, you know, so so I I got this idea in my head, I think, that um that that was where I was going. And and once I had the idea, I just kept going down that road, you know. Um and uh and and like I said, you know, I think the tendency was already there to kind of um take the easy way, to not deal with um emotions. Uh and so so yeah, once once I kind of got access to drugs, you know, once I once I came to Seattle and larger city and um, you know, just a lot of people who were who were using and had um, you know, kind of uh already uh other people who already had a problem with drugs, maybe not into complete addiction yet, but people who were who were using in a problematic way. Um I was able to find those people and and you know I that was that was where I was pointed. There's um I think I've said this in in one of these meetings before, but there's a there's a great scene in the movie Labyrinth where um Jennifer Connolly's character is is falling uh down a pit, you know, she stumbles into a pit and she's falling. And um, and all these kind of like hand little hand guys come out and they grab her, you know, from the walls and they're holding her up and they say, like, well, which way do you want to go up or down? And and she says, Well, I'm already pointed in this direction, so I want to go down. And um that to me, like really just describes, I mean, it describes a lot of things in life, but but in my life in particular, it really just describes that that impulse, that kind of self-destructive impulse, you know, uh the the kind of uh Freudian death drive, right? Like that um that I seemed to have for whatever reason. Um, you know, there was definitely a period in my life when um it just, you know, it looking at it from the outside now, it just seems like everything I was doing was um the purpose of it or at least the result of it was harming myself. And um, and and it's really hard to understand why, you know. I I I tend to think that um I like myself, you know, or at least I want to get good things for myself and avoid bad things, but um but yeah, there is a time in my life, you know, a good 10 to 15 years when pretty much every decision I I made um was uh the the result was telegraphed that it was gonna end up in me getting hurt. And I did it anyway. So um so that's a bit of a mystery, but um but yeah, you know, I mean I think um when I was when I was doing all that stuff, uh you know, in my mind I was um I had this image of myself in my mind that that it didn't really correlate to who I actually was, but it didn't matter because I was high all the time. You know, I was I was uh I was delusional in a way. Um you know, the fact that I always I always felt good because of drugs, or I always felt miserable when I was hung over, and then I would just tell myself, well, it's just because I'm hungover, I just have to get high again. Um, you know, because of that, I was able to uh basically live in my own head. You know, there was there was no feedback from the outside world that I was taking in. Um, or or maybe I was on some level, but I was just very skillful at avoiding it or ignoring it, um, that uh that would tell me that you know something was wrong, that I wasn't who I purported to be. Um and um yeah, you know, I mean, why why do anything um if if you're already, you know, in your mind you've done it all and you're great. You know, why why strive for greatness if you're already great to yourself? So that was my thing, you know, and uh, and I was in that for a long time. But I guess I guess it finally caught, you know, I guess the the the kind of subtle, insistent um voice inside me caught up with me. Um, and especially as I was getting older, you know, I was getting into my 40s, and um I just started to realize like in my mind, I was this great author and I was this great um, you know, uh creative force and uh you know all of this stuff. And uh the actuality of it was I was a working stiff who just got so blasted on weekends that you know I was miserable throughout the entire week, dragging through, you know, taking prescription drugs and stuff to kind of cope with it. And then um, you know, and never every weekend was uh was a a blur, it was you know a blackout. And so so yeah, I mean, I think that that's what eventually happened to me is that uh is that I just realized like you know, things weren't lining up. Um and so that's what really drove me into recovery. You know, I'd I'd I'd known about um NA and AA for a long time. And you know, I read Infinite Gest and I thought that was just such a great book. And and I thought, you know, oh wow, I should, I should try that out, you know. Uh one of my friends actually said to me when I when he heard that I was in recovery, he's like, Wow, that was totally predictable, right? Like it almost seems like you it almost seems like you got into drugs just so you could have this kind of redemption arc, right? Like that's the kind of that's the kind of narrative that I was creating for myself. And um, you know, I don't know about that. I who knows, but um uh but yeah, you know, I mean I think um I think that is that is that that is my story, you know, that is the story that I've created for myself. And the and the nice thing about that is that it actually, you know, that that that is really what kind of happened, right? Like it's it's not just in my mind. It's um, you know, it's every day and I I I do my tenth step and I'm thinking about the you know the things that I went through today and the things that I have to kind of you know patch up or make amends for. And um and and it's good, you know. I can be honest with myself about um about what I'm doing and who I am, and um and that's a good thing, you know. I mean it's it's real simple. Um, I guess, you know, one of the things for me was that um I always felt so um I always felt so insufficient that I had to build myself up to be this great person and you know, incredibly accomplished and incredibly creative and all this stuff in my mind. And um, you know, it's been a learning process to um to kind of come to a realistic, come to realistic expectations for myself and or to just be realistic, you know. I mean, I who knows what the future holds, right? But um, but I can be realistic about where I am now and um and I don't have to hide from it. Um so um so that's a really positive thing for me. Um, you know, like I said, I was back, I went back to my hometown um this weekend. My my niece was in a play, it was very cute, it was very funny, she's seven. Um, and uh, you know, I was able to to see my family and um you know, some of my friends from high school and stuff. And you know, my relationship with my hometown is basically just that uh I couldn't wait to leave. And um, you know, sometimes sometimes people will say, like, oh, I couldn't wait to leave my hometown. And, you know, as I I I went on through the world, like I started to realize like, oh, it's actually kind of a nice place. And I guess that, you know, I guess that maybe that's true for some people, but definitely not for me. I never want to go back there. Um, I know, you know, my my my friends, um, my friends seem to have made a a nice life for themselves there, but um, but yeah, man, I don't want to, I wouldn't, I just can't imagine what my life would be like if I was still there. You know, I just uh it was just a little bit too small for me, I guess. Um it doesn't sound arrogant or something, but um but yeah, you know, it just was it wasn't a uh it it was growing up was a little bit rough for me there. I I didn't I don't feel like I really fit in the culture. It was very traditional and kind of conservative and stuff, and and you know, I mean all of those things. But um, but anyway, you know, like going back there, really kind of uh I really kind of was thinking about all of that, right? And um, you know, it used to be like, oh, well, I I could never I could never go back there unless um unless I was like really rich and famous and stuff, so I could just prove to everybody how wrong they were about me and you know, all of this. And uh, you know, I mean, I still really I still really wouldn't want to see most of the people I went to high school with and never been to one of my high school reunions or whatever, but um but you know, it really just doesn't matter anymore. And you know, I I don't know how much of that is is being in recovery and how much of that is just getting older and you know um it's just crazy how as time goes on, like that stuff just gets the stuff that was uh so huge in my life and and and really and and did kind of influence the kind of kind of person that I became. Um you know, it's just receding in the rear view, you know, it just doesn't matter. And um and yeah, I mean, all the things that I used to dwell on, um, you know, I mean, uh it's just it just seems so petty to me now. So so yeah, you know, it's it's it's good and um to go back and see family and stuff. Um, you know, my parents are getting older. Um to see my brother, his kids, it's just um you know, life, life really it, it changes and and you go and you go through different kind of phases in life. And um, you know, the the phase that I'm in now um really kind of revolves around my recovery. Like all of the things that I'm doing now. Um you know, a lot of the a lot of the things that that I'm doing now, I I didn't have before I got into recovery and probably probably wouldn't have, you know. Um, I see that five minutes, thanks. Um so um so yeah, you know, I mean, I think that uh for me, this is what I'm doing now. And you know, I what I was gonna say when I started when I started on this thing about going home, you know, what I was going to say is that um, you know, like like many kind of standard American families, um, you know, my brother and his wife, there's there there's a ton of prescription drugs in that house, right? Like there just is. And um, and that was that was really like one of my um big MOs when I was in my active addiction is that um, you know, I just I just borrow some prescription drugs from you, right? Like, you know, if I was in your house and uh, you know, I was went to your bathroom or something, I just you know, I'd just check out and see what you got, right? Like who knows? Might maybe maybe there's um maybe there's a a bottle that's kind of full and you wouldn't miss one, right? And and I I mean I or even if it's not that full, even if you would miss one, I'd probably still take it, you know. And um, you know, that was just what I did. And it was it, it wasn't even like um, you know, like most people uh even when they kind of justify when they're you know stealing or whatever, they uh you know, they kind of know in the back of their mind that it's wrong. And yeah, I never I never felt that way at all, you know. Uh when it came to other things, yeah, like I would never steal, like even you know, people steal from work and stuff, and it's like, oh, well, whatever, you know, they're ripping me off. But like I would never steal from work, like even when I was into my active addiction, never, never would do something like that. But when it came to drugs, it was like, yeah, like it's all mine, right? Like if it if it's there, it belongs to me. And so um, so yeah, that was just such a natural behavior for me. And you know, I can really say, like, it's not like I didn't think about it while I was there, but um there was just no chance of me doing it. Like um, you know, there was there's just too much on the line, right? And it's and it's not just and it's not just um, you know, I lose my job and my car, my relationships or whatever. Like it's it's not just that, it's also, you know, personal. Like this is what I'm doing now, and this is the path that I'm on. Um and uh and you know, I don't know necessarily where it's going, but I feel I just feel so strongly that um that this is what I'm doing, and I'm just gonna keep doing it. Um and um that and that makes me feel really good, you know, regardless of anything else, you know, regardless of of what my destiny is, um, you know, what I'm going to achieve in life or not. Um, I know I'm doing this. And um, and it's uh I feel very sure footed on that path. So um, so I think that's about all I had to say. Uh probably running out of time anyway, but um again, you know, I think thanks for reminding me that I was going to do this, Chris. And uh thanks for listening, everybody.

SPEAKER_00 19:28

Thank you, Bob, for reminding us that addiction doesn't always take root in trauma or involve a dramatic backstory. We're grateful for your openness about what's changed for you, and we are pleased to hear about your new, much more fulfilling life. Thank you. A reminder to everyone for more information on recovery from addiction through the Narcotics Anonymous 12-step program from a secular, non-religious approach, please check out our website, secularna.org. That's S-E-C-U-L-A-R-N-A.org. This is Michael E for the stories of secular recovery from addiction through Narcotics Anonymous podcasts. Staying clean, one speaker at a time.